We’d always said that one year after we were married we would start trying for a baby. Our first wedding anniversary was such an exciting time, but it was made extra special by the fact that we honestly thought it would be the last one we’d have on our own. Because next year we’d be parents and if not, I’d definitely have a bun in the oven. But I was wrong, and a seemingly endless number of “anniversaries” began…
Anniversary of starting TTC
Since our first wedding anniversary, two more have gone by and we still have no baby. Not only have we had two more anniversaries celebrating our marriage, but two more anniversaries of “celebrating” when we started trying to conceive. So when we are looking at our wedding photos, the most happy day of our lives, it is also the anniversary of starting our TTC journey, reminding us that another year has gone by and we still haven’t managed to start our family yet.
Anniversary of our first BFP
We got our first BFP on Christmas day. Now Christmas Day has always been my absolute favourite day of the year, bar none; but to get a BFP on the same day was definitely the icing on the Christmas cake. Skip to one year later (still no baby) and Christmas Day was shrouded in some serious doom and gloom. All I could think was that last year I was pregnant; last year we got a BFP; last year we had an exciting future ahead of us. I can only hope that next Christmas will be different.
Anniversary of our first miscarriage
This anniversary came round after a very tough year. Even though I didn’t want to dwell on the misery of our first miscarriage, I knew the dates and events (if you can call them that) by heart and couldn’t help thinking back to what was happening this time last year. Was it really a year ago? I couldn’t believe how fast a year had gone. The one thing that helped me to look forward after the miscarriage was the hope that “by this time next year we’ll be pregnant”; but we were there, a year later, and we weren’t!
Anniversary of our (almost) first
In summer 2012, we “celebrated” the anniversary of when our baby should have been born. To make it worse, our cousin had their baby the same week ours would have been due. (Just after we’d miscarried, they announced their pregnancy- nice eh?) So now I am (and will be) reminded at every stage their child goes through, that our child would have been the same if they were still here (thanks Facebook). And you know what? We still haven’t met the child.
Anniversaries yet to come
Each time another anniversary passes, I try to look forward and hope that we won’t get to the next one without having success in between. I haven’t had an anniversary for my second BFP or second miscarriage yet, but again, I hope we won’t get to that without success. After all, a year is a long time and a lot can happen. I have to be positive; we won’t think about it next time because I’ll be so excited about the baby I’m carrying, or we’ll be too busy looking after our new arrival. But then again, I’ve thought that before and the anniversaries keep coming thick and fast!
Nothing and Everything
Surely, these are anniversaries are of nothing. They are of things that haven’t happened or of things that didn’t come to anything. I keep asking myself:
- Why do I let myself think about the anniversary of TTC when it only makes the clock in my ovaries tick even louder?
- How can I be sad about a BFP a year ago that came to nothing?
- How can I wallow over the “birthday” of a baby that was never born?
- Why have my miscarriage dates stuck in my head?
But actually, these anniversaries are everything. They remind me of a time when I had so much hope; of a time when my life was about to change and could have been so different. They remind me how life throws the unexpected at you; you deal with it and get stronger. They remind me how our lives can have so many tangents leading us onto a completely different path. And you just never know when or where the next fork in the road will be. I just hope they next turn I take will lead to somewhere good.
How do you cope with anniversaries? Do you find yourself thinking about the anniversaries of what might have been? Can you move forward and not look back?