Since my recent posts have been about how bitter and twisted I am becoming, I thought it was about time I wrote something a bit more positive… Hope.
The definitition of hope is the feeling that something desired is possible.
Yet another Bitter Infertile has a great theory:
Hope is a virus. And I’m permanently infected. Every cycle, I try to dismiss hope. No hope, no disappointment, right? But, every cycle, something happens–something slightly different, something new–and it keeps the hope virus alive and well inside me, no matter how hard I try to get rid of it.
I feel exactly the same. I start the month feeling pretty good; emotionally balanced (after a few fairly unbalanced days when AF arrives) and pretty realistic about the month to come. I’d say there was an equal balance of head vs heart. My head is telling me the facts and figures and to be realistic. My heart is saying don’t lose hope, every month is another chance and this month could be it. All of my thoughts are true, so I can live with that.
I always feel a bit more hopeful when my ovulation predictor stick is positive on the day I expect it to be; it gives me hope that something is working right anyway. However, I’d say it’s around that time that the hope starts to sneak into my life a bit more. As the hope increases daily throughout the two week wait, the head vs heart balance starts to shift, the heart (and the hope) starts to out-weight the head.
My theory throughout life has been to be prepared for the worst and you can only be pleasantly surprised. It sounds pretty negative, but let me put it like this: On your wedding day if you expect the worst weather (i.e. rain) you will either be overjoyed if the sun is shining, or completely prepared and not surprised if it rains. If you had expected the sun and then it rained – imagine how disappointed you’d be.
Now this has worked pretty well for me until now, but TTC hope is a completely different ballgame. I think TTC hope is different because so much of our dreams are based on it. The dream of having a child was in me from birth I think (well almost). When people asked me what wanted when I grew up, it was simply a family. This desire to be a mum came before jobs, houses, men and everything else for that matter. So no wonder when we are TTC our hope is massive. It’s a lifelong dream on the brink of being fulfilled. Not only that, but it’s one of the few things in life that is out of our control, so hope has to play a massive part.
If we didn’t have any hope, would we carry on trying? I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t. Every month I have hope for one sperm to reach my egg, for implantation and for a BFP. The odds of it happening are low, but it only takes one doesn’t it? I hope for a baby and hope for a family. I haven’t even got one child yet, but I still hope to fulfill my dream of having 2 children and become a family of four.
Hope for me is massive, I think everyone who has been TTC for a long time or has fertility problems has hope in abundance. And so we should. We all know of people conceiving above all odds; people told they would never have children who end up with a family all conceived naturally; people who conceive after several rounds of IVF; even those who have to adopt. One way or another we will get our children and our families… A big thanks to hope for keeping our chins up in the hard times.